He continued to say, ” Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” He was right again. When you love somebody or something that is alive, where does your love go? It goes to that person/pet/thing whatever it is. That person receives that love from you in many different forms such as acts of kindness, words of affirmation, loving touch, etc. However, when they die, you are full of so much love for them and that love just has nowhere to go because they aren’t there to receive it. You can’t really pour your heart into someone that isn’t alive, because they are not going to be able to show to you that they have received it. Is that making more sense? When you grieve you are doing it out of love, you’re showing your love for that person or thing, but the love doesn’t have a point B to go to.
This really hit me hard especially as I am still so so upset about losing my guinea pig, Tigerlilly. A lot of people don’t get why I was so attached to her, sure she was my first guinea pig, my first real responsibility, but she was my world. I just saw so much love in her eyes, and she really felt like my own child and I treated her like one. I loved her so deeply that I would start getting nightmares of hearing that she was dead, and I would wake up crying my eyes out and immediately going to cuddle her all night long. She was my baby girl, my silly lilly, my lilly beans, my lioness. She was literally my world and I had told so many people I loved her so much that if there was a car between her and me, that I would instantly without a thought go and save her. I just couldn’t and still can’t bare the thought of my Lilly beans being hurt.
One day I was taking a bath because I had came home from a long, long day of work. I cuddled my lilly for a few hours before finally getting up to run the bath. I had noticed that she wasn’t gripping on to my shoulder like she normally would. She wasn’t trying to prop herself up at all. I didn’t really see this as a warning sign, because a lot of the times she trusts me so much she just lies limp in my arms. However, I went to sit her down on my bed, and she didn’t hold herself up. She just laid there and looked at me. I was like, ‘ Okay, she must be really tired, maybe she ate too much hay, maybe she’s just having a down day.’ So, I cuddled her, she ate a little bit of veggies and told her I was going to take a bath real quick but I’d be right back to have movie time with her. I put her the corner of the cage where she loved to lay with fleece strips hanging around her to give her some privacy. It was right next to Flower’s hiding spot, and Lilly always slept by Flower. I pet her for awhile, talked to her, gave her kisses, told her I loved her so much and that she was so special to me.
Her and I loved to watch movies or shows together, specifically ‘Grimm.’ Every show from Grimm, ever season, she would lay with me, sometimes on my shoulder, cuddled in the inside of my elbow, in a blanket next to me, on my back, on my head sometimes, in my neck. It was so so hard to watch the last season without her. I would be watching the show with her and she would lick my hand, my neck, my arm, wherever because that’s how she showed her love or me. She always gave me thousands of kisses, and would rub her cheek on my arm and hand when she wanted pet or just to show me she cares. Anyway, after I had gotten out of my 30 minute bath, I went into my room and I always talk to her when I walk into my room. If I’ve just got home from work or classes I’ll shout, ” My little Lilly Willy Beans I’m so excited to see you!” I could always hear her squeaks as I would run up the stairs. I would always see her and Flower first before I did anything else. When I had came out of the bathroom and was talking to her as I put my things away, I realized she hadn’t made any noise, squeaked at me, I couldn’t hear her chewing on the bars like she sometimes did if she thought I had veggies. Then I saw her just laying there with her eyes closed, huddled in the corner and Flower was laying by her. I didn’t know what to think. I watched her belly to see if it moved up and down like it always did. It didn’t move, so I yelled for my mom.
I was so distraught that I couldn’t even bare to try and pick her up because I was so scared I would hurt her more than she was already hurting, even if she was dead, I just didn’t want to hurt her worse. I promise y’all I did not stop crying that night until the morning. I didn’t sleep that night, I was forced to go to work. I worked at Baskin Robbins at the time and I was a mess. I couldn’t keep up with orders, I’d zone out when I was taking them at the window, I just couldn’t make things right. I remember I had to stop myself from crying 18 times in my 8 hour shift. That is the most grief I have ever felt. I’ve had family members die, most of them I didn’t really know that well, but I still cried. I’ve had friends died who I really cared for and it effected me so so much, but nothing has effected me like Lilly did. I had planned out my Senior pictures to be with her and Flower, I planned her to graduate with me, I planned her to be at my wedding. She was the only thing that I could open up to and she knew more about me than any human ever will. She was there for every cry, for most of my grounding, she was there through so many life events. She was going to sit on a little pillow on the train of my dress and walk down the aisle with me. I guess God had better plans, and I still don’t understand his purpose for her being gone and I probably won’t ever, but I’ve found peace in it. When you’re grieving, do not try to find peace in earthly things because speaking from experience, they’ll just push your peace farther away from you. At the time I really didn’t want to cremate her, because I still thought in my mind ” maybe she’ll wake up so I’ll just put her in a box for now and wait a few days.” I know it’s silly, but I just couldn’t and I wouldn’t give up on her. So, I buried her with the fleece and towel she was laying on when she died and her two favorite toys and some of her clothing items. We buried her in the back of my yard. I had my mom one day cut some of her hair off so I could just have it to touch when I missed her. My mom painted her feet and we made a little paper that has her feet stamped and her birthday to when she died and such. I’ve definitely found peace in the Lord and knowing that he didn’t do this to spite me, it was just already his plan. He had a plan for me and Lilly and he wasn’t doing it to hurt me. Sometimes, you just have to surrender. You won’t always know every answer to every question or thing that happens. You just have to surrender and know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. That is something I used to struggle with all the time, knowing that God has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.
That is just something I’ve had on my mind recently, I know it’s more of a touchy, sad topic, but I feel like I need to be as real as possible with you guys. I want you guys to get to know me better, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m being fake like so many in this world today. I feel like a lot of Christians try to hide the fact that they have rough patches with God, and we want to seem like this perfect Christian, never doubting God, just always God’s #1 fan but that is so NOT true. There are so many times I’ve doubted God before I took a step back and really thought about how he has a plan for everything. I hope this helped you guys in any way, especially those who are currently grieving. If you have any questions, let me know in the comments below or feel free to Contact me!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “